“We live in a generation of, not being in love, and not being together… but we sure make it feel like we’re together because we’re scared to see each other with somebody else.”
Sometimes I feel like the only thing we really have is our art. Our love for our work, our burning desire to create and be more. It can never let me down as long as I work hard at it. Love can fall apart at any time. The strongest of couples can die out. So what do we really have?
I just want to kiss you
This has to be the most amazing pudding I have ever seen.
How bad is it that I now like to have the bed to myself?
Is that a sign of just needing space or a sign of needing a bit more than that?
When he is in my bed I love it. I love being close to him, being wrapped in his arms, feeling loved and feeling safe. But something is different. I feel like a major part of my emotional mechanics has changed, possibly permanently. I can’t see us how we were. My dream, my vision is shattered.
When I am alone, I am in complete control. I am happy with my life and what I’ve created and if I’m not, I change it. It’s not that easy in a relationship. You have to consider them and what they want and who they are. I want to mould him into my prince and mould us into my fairytale and I can’t. Everyone has their own happy ending, no it’s not Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs but it’s a realistic version of happiness within relationships- give, take, commitment, dedication, compatibility and I hope, an underlying unconditional strong love that eventually lasts through the toughest of times.
I have no doubt that we love each other, but I just don’t know if this is it. If this is my ‘happy ending’. If it is, I need more and I don’t know if he has it to give.
We are just so different.
Sorry for the delay. Believe it or not I actually wrote this out on Monday, then pressed a button (I wish I knew which one) and it magicked my text into an unknown place, never to be found again, no matter how many tech savy bods I pestered. So in an attempt not be defeated, I tried again, but barely got through one sentence before my phone rang and my best friend demanded an update on my love life. Needless to say 3 hours were consumed and the lap top was well and truly put to rest.
So where are we now? We are still together, for now. You could call it a ‘trail’ basis, I suppose. We have til the end of January to get to counseling (I have been trying to get him to counseling for the past 5 months) or I’m leaving. I don’t think this relationship can work alone at this point. We have differences and communication issues that I think would benefit from some guidance and advice. My brother says he thinks if a couple need counseling then they shouldn’t be together anyway, if they have to do that to make it work. One of my best friends has been with her partner for 12 years and they recently pursued counseling after coming just fractions away of falling apart and it has turned their relationship around. Not only has it saved them, but she found out things she never knew about him and vice versa, which explained half of their problems. When you love someone, and you know how much I love him, you need to know you’ve done everything in your power to make it work before you walk away. Needless to say I am very, very close to the edge, but I just don’t want to be there again, as I was those few years ago, missing him so much it felt like I couldn’t breathe without experiencing pain and wondering, what if? I don’t and will never find his past or present behavior acceptable and I’m glad I left the first time, I don’t think either of us where mature enough to seek an adult route through our problems and pursue counseling, but this time, we are both usually level headed enough to take a step back and observe sensibly and see where we need help and improvement. Up until recently, he was just on a rampage to destroy us (we’ll get to that later) but at last, providing he is not lying (which he most definitely could be), he is starting to see clearer again and has more respect and appreciation for the relationship. Therefore, as a testament to his new found ‘commitment’ to our relationship, he has agreed to come to counseling, starting from this month. If he tries to work his way out of it again, for the tenth time, I’m just simply going to leave and he knows this. To me this is a huge representation of his remorse and symbolic of his dedication to us, and so if he can’t commit to the counseling, he can’t really be committed to us. He says he will do everything in his power to make it work now, so this is one of them.
I have much, much more to tell but this is just a little bit for now. I am starting a Travel Writing course tomorrow so I need to get some sleep. But just for the record, I feel great. I feel strong, positive and level headed. I felt it even before began speaking again, something clicked that Saturday night and I have been consumed with an overwhelming sense of strength ever since. Whatever happens, I will be ok. I am a fighter, no matter how weak I may seem on the surface, there is steel underneath when I need it. I already told myself 2012 would be fantastic and despite the rocky start, I really believe it is.